On my knees

The saying goes "God doesn't give you more than you can handle", and while that may be true, sometimes I don't want to have to be the strong one.  Sometimes I would like the quality of my life, Jesse's life, and Bella's life to improve.
If the point is to make me feel like a bad mother because I can't deal with my child anymore...then I'm there.
If the point is to overwhelm me so that I don't have the motivation to get anything done...then I'm there.
If the point is to make Jesse and I so stressed that we take it out on each other....then we are there.
If the point is to make this rough patch seem like it's going to last an eternity and nothing will ever get better...then I'm there.
If the point is to add insult to injury by having a mouse poop all over my kitchen, on all my utensils, all my dishes, all my pots and pans, so that I can't even feed my family without having to do a million extra dishes...well that happened too.

I read other blogs and support group pages, where mothers and some fathers will write about their kids struggles, and then say "but I wouldn't change a thing about them, I love them just the way they are!".
REALLY!!
Either they are saints, or I am just a bad person.  I would change things about Bella if I could.  Why else would you go through these constant therapies and doctors appointments, etc, if you didn't want to try and improve your child's life.

I will admit that although we go through our struggles life is easier when Bella is happy.  But Bella hasn't been happy in months, in fact I would say this particular spell has been going on since July.  It just comes and goes so that we have small pockets of good days and long weeks of bad ones.  And there seems to be no end in sight.

So I am down on my knees with my arms thrown up over my head.  I give up.  All I know is Bella needs some relief from all this pain she is going through, and Jesse and I need our sanity back.....and soon.

Thanks for listening.