Thoughts

This past memorial day weekend we went up to Nebraska for a family reunion on Jesse's side. All the prep work needed for Bella to enjoy the weekend and being around family got me thinking.

I'm a quiet person. I'm reserved in large groups, I prefer to listen more than talk. You could even say I'm a little shy, but usually once I get to know someone, I don't come off as shy anymore. I think back to my childhood and how easily embarrassed I would get by everything. I hated being the center of attention.

My parents used to make me walk to school, I hated walking to school. Not because of the exercise needed to physically walk to school, but because it meant I had to walk along the city streets and everyone who drove by could see me. My freshman year of high school was the worst, and I would cut through the park to include scaling over a fence, just so I wouldn't have to walk along the streets.

My parents knew I was easily embarrassed. I would ask my dad to drop me off one block away from the football stadium, so that I could walk in and people wouldn't see me being dropped off by my parents. But then he would slowly follow me in the vehicle and honk when I made it to the entrance gate. I can picture him laughing as I turned bright red and tried to quickly enter the stadium, hoping and praying that no one saw or heard.

It didn't even get better as an adult. I chose to get married on an island. Yes it was beautiful, and a lot less stressful to plan, but it also allowed me to walk down the aisle and not be the center of attention for a church full of people.

And I still turn bright red in a meeting if I know all eyes are centered on me, waiting for me to say something.

I often wonder why Bella was born into our lives. I believe there is a reason, but we might not ever realize what it is. But with Bella, we are the center of attention. It doesn't matter where we go, or how busy a place is when we walk in. Everyone looks at us. They don't mean to be mean, but Bella and all her equipment is different. Even if I try to blend in, and say just walk around with her in a stroller. She still looks different, slumped over, not sitting up or holding her head up.

It doesn't actually bother me when all eyes turn our way. And I don't believe I turn red. The thing is, I'm not embarrassed to be Bella's mother.